Coach Training with Tony Robbins

Are You Addicted To Your Activities?

Are You Addicted To Your Activities?

Word Count:
740

Summary:
Activities - such as sports, creative projects, reading, work, TV, meditation - can be a wonderful way to relax, express yourself, or connect to yourself. Or they can be an addiction. How can you know the difference?

Keywords:
addictions, addictives, self improvement, coaching, bad habit

Article Body:
Activities - such as sports, creative projects, reading, work, TV, meditation - can be a wonderful way to relax, express yourself, or connect to yourself. Or they can be an addiction. How can you know the difference?

    * Angie would surf the channels whenever she felt stressed or alone.

    * Karen would lose herself in a book when things felt overwhelming.

    * Keith would retreat and meditate when his wife wanted to talk.

    * Patty's work schedule left her little time at home.

    * Carl spent more time in the garage fixing things than with his family.

    * Patrick's love of running was interfering with his family time.

Whether or not an activity is an addiction depends upon your INTENT.

    * When the intent of an activity is to avoid the pain of aloneness and loneliness, it is an addiction.

    * When the intent of an activity is to avoid the pain of rejection or the fear of domination, it is an addiction.

    * When the intent of an activity is to put off doing something you don't really want to do but need to do, it is an addiction.

Whenever an activity is used as a way to avoid something - painful feelings, difficult or boring tasks - it becomes an addiction. It's really no different than using substances such alcohol, drugs, or food to avoid painful feelings or challenging tasks. The problem with using addictions to avoid painful feelings is that the feelings don't actually go away. They are just numbed for the moment but are silently eroding one's sense of self. We can get away with it only for so long before it shows up in some way - illness, divorce, depression, and so on. And avoiding tasks means that the tasks pile up, eventually causing the very stress we want to avoid. Our society is filled with ways to avoid. Yet it is avoidance that leads to the very feelings we are striving to avoid!

When the intent of an activity is to take loving care of yourself by providing yourself with fun, creativity and expression, relaxation, personal growth, spiritual growth, physical health and well-being, then it is a loving action rather than an addiction. It all depends on your INTENT.

Next time you want to participate in your favorite activity, you might want to notice your intent. Do you want to relax and watch TV or are you avoiding some difficult feeling or task? Do you find yourself scheduling more work than you can really handle to avoid dealing with aloneness, loneliness, or conflict with a mate, or are you really loving your work and feeling fulfilled by it? Are you exercising to support your health or to avoid feelings?

Once you become aware of using an activity to avoid, here's what you can do about it:

   1. Welcome the feeling you are trying so hard to avoid. Pay attention to the feeling - fear, loneliness, aloneness, agitation, boredom, anxiety.

   2. Make a decision to learn what YOU might be doing to cause this feeling rather than continuing to avoid it.

   3. Explore what you might be doing to cause this feeling. How are you not taking care of yourself that is causing your painful feeling? Are you procrastinating, judging yourself, or not standing up for yourself in conflict? How are you avoiding responsibility for your own well-being? Are you allowing yourself to be a victim, waiting for someone else to make you feel better?

   4. Once you understand what you are doing to cause your distress, then you need to ask "What would be the loving action for myself?" You are asking this question of your highest self, or of your spiritual guidance if you are connected with a source of guidance. If you open to learning about what is loving, ideas will pop into your mind.

   5. Now you need to take the loving action on your own behalf - complete a task, stand up for yourself and speak your truth with someone, and so on.

   6. Re-evaluate how you are feeling. Are you feeling more peaceful and more powerful? You will feel more peaceful if you have taken the loving action. If you are not feeling better, don't just turn back to your addictions. Look for another loving action until you find what really makes you feel safe on a deep level, not just the temporary pacification of an addiction.

You will find your addictions fading away as you learn to take loving care of yourself.

 

Are You Addicted to Anger?

Are You Addicted to Anger?

Word Count:
802

Summary:
Michael was raised in a home where anger was used to control. His parents used their anger to attempt to control each other as well as their children. Sometimes the anger erupted into violence and Michael and his siblings would get physically hurt. Michael never knew when one of his parents would suddenly become enraged, so the threat was always there.

Keywords:
anger, behavior, attitude, self help, self improvement, anger management, coaching

Article Body:
Michael was raised in a home where anger was used to control. His parents used their anger to attempt to control each other as well as their children. Sometimes the anger erupted into violence and Michael and his siblings would get physically hurt. Michael never knew when one of his parents would suddenly become enraged, so the threat was always there.

Michael was the oldest of four children and was often put in charge of taking care of his siblings. He often took out on his siblings his fear and rage at being abused by his parents. While some part of Michael didn't want to be like his parents, this was all he knew.

As an adult, Michael struggles with his frequent anger at his wife and children. His wife threatened to leave him if he didn't get some help, which is what led him to consult with me.

"Michael, anger is often used to cover up another, more painful feeling. What do you think you are covering up with your anger?" I asked.

"I don't know. I just get so frustrated and then out comes the anger."

"What did you feel as a child, besides scared, when your parents were angry and violent with you?"

"I guess I felt pretty much alone."

"You must have felt very alone and uncared for and also helpless over what was happening."

"Yes, I felt so helpless! I hated feeling so alone and helpless. It was so scary. I couldn't wait to get bigger so I wouldn't feel so helpless."

"What triggers that helpless feeling now?"

"Humm…I guess it's when my wife and kids don't do what I want them to do or what I think they should do."

"So rather than feel and accept your helplessness over them, which is the reality but is a difficult feeling to feel, you avoid feeling that old helplessness by trying to control them with your anger, just as your parents did. Is that right?"

"I guess so. I guess I try to control them rather than feel helpless. But why should I feel helpless? It's an awful feeling.

"Michael, when you were a child, you were helpless over your parents brutality, and you were also helpless over yourself in many ways. You couldn't just leave and go live with someone else. You couldn't walk away without further punishment. However, today, while you are still helpless over others, you are not helpless over yourself. You can walk away from a situation that doesn't feel good, or you can speak up for yourself. You can also explore difficulties with your family. You didn't have any of these options as a child. But unless you accept your helplessness over others, you will try to control them, and anger is the way you've learned to do it. Anger is your automatic controlling, addictive response to protect against feeling that old helplessness. You will continue to be angry until you accept your helplessness over others - over what they choose to do and who they choose to be."

Helplessness over others is a very hard feeling to accept. For many people, it feels like a life or death feeling, because as infants we were completely helpless and if no one came we would die. Some of us cried and cried and no one came and we felt helpless over living or dying. While today helplessness over others is not usually a life or death experience, the feeling can trigger our infant terror. Most people will do anything to avoid the feeling of helplessness, even though we are no longer helpless over ourselves. Yet until we accept our helplessness over others, we will try to control them, and anger is a major way many people have learned to attempt to control.

It took Michael time to learn how to take care of himself - how to embrace and accept his helpless feelings rather than ignore them or cover them up with anger. As he learned to take loving care of himself and his own feelings and needs, he became more accepting of other's feelings and needs. As a result of accepting himself and others, and of learning to feel and manage his painful feelings, his need to control others gradually diminished.

In the course of working with me, Michael learned to access a personal source of spiritual guidance to help him not feel so alone and to know how to take loving care of himself. Michael found that when he was connected with his spiritual guidance, he was much less likely to act out in anger. He found he could manage his difficult feelings of aloneness and helplessness far more easily when he felt the love and support of Spirit.

 

Anger: To Control or To Learn

Anger: To Control or To Learn

Word Count:
852

Summary:
The feeling anger can come from two different places within us. Anger that comes from an adult, rational place can be called outrage. Outrage is the feeling we have when confronted with injustice. Outrage mobilizes us to take appropriate action when harm is being done to ourselves, others, and the planet. Outrage is a positive emotion in that it moves us to action – to stop crime and violence, clean up the environment, and so on.

Keywords:
behavior, anger, self control, self improvement, coaching

Article Body:
Many of us will do anything to avoid another's anger, yet may be quick to anger ourselves. Many of us dread another's anger yet continue to use our own anger as a way to control others.

Let's take a deeper look at what generates our anger and how we can learn from it rather than be at the mercy of it.

The feeling anger can come from two different places within us. Anger that comes from an adult, rational place can be called outrage. Outrage is the feeling we have when confronted with injustice. Outrage mobilizes us to take appropriate action when harm is being done to ourselves, others, and the planet. Outrage is a positive emotion in that it moves us to action – to stop crime and violence, clean up the environment, and so on. Outrage comes from a principled place within, a place of integrity, caring and compassion.

Anger can also come from a fearful adolescent place within – from the part of us that fears being wrong, rejected, abandoned, or controlled by others, and feels intensely frustrated in the face of these feelings. This part of us fears failure, embarrassment, humiliation, disrespect, and helplessness over others and outcomes. When these fearful feelings are activated, this adolescent part, not wanting to feel helpless, may move into attacking or blaming anger as a way to attempt to control a person or a situation. Blaming anger is always indicative of some way we are not taking care of ourselves, not taking responsibility for our own feelings and needs. Instead of taking care of ourselves, we blame another for our feelings in an attempt to intimidate another to change so that we will feel safe.

Blaming anger creates many problems in relationships. No one likes to be blamed for another's feelings. No one wants to be intimidated into taking responsibility for another's needs. Blaming anger may generate blaming anger or resistance in the other person, which results in a power struggle. Or, the person at the other end of blaming anger may give in, doing what the angry person wants, but there is always a consequence in the relationship. The compliant person may learn to dislike and fear the angry person and find ways to passively resist or to disengage from the relationship.

When blaming anger comes up, the healthy option is neither to dump it on another in an attempt to control them, nor to squash and repress it. The healthy option is to learn from it.

Our anger at another person or situation has much to teach us regarding personal responsibility for our own feelings and needs. As part of the Inner Bonding process that we teach we offer a three-part anger process that moves you out of feeling like a frustrated victim and into a sense of personal power.

The Anger Process

The Anger Process is a powerful way to release anger, as well as to learn from the source of the anger.

Releasing your anger will work only when your intent in releasing it is to learn about what you are doing that is causing your angry feelings. If you just want to use your anger to blame, control and justify your position, you will stay stuck in your anger. This three-part anger process moves you out of the victim-mode and into open-heartedness.

1. Imagine that the person you are angry at is sitting in front of you. Let your angry wounded child or adolescent self yell at him or her, saying in detail everything you wish you could actually say. Unleash your anger, pain and resentment until you have nothing more to say. You can scream and cry, pound a pillow, roll up a towel and beat the bed. (The reason you don't tell the person directly is because this kind of cathartic, no-holds-barred "anger dump" would be abusive to them.)

2. Now ask yourself who this person reminds you of in your past - your mother or father, a grandparent, a sibling? (It may be the same person. That is, you may be mad at your father now, and he is acting just like he did when you were little.) Now let your wounded self yell at the person from the past as thoroughly and energetically as in part one.

3. Finally, come back into the present and let your angry wounded self do the same thing with you expressing your anger, pain and resentment toward your adult self for your part in the situation or for treating yourself the way the people in parts one and two treated you. This brings the problem home to personal responsibility, opening the door to exploring your own behavior.

By doing the anger process instead of trying to control others with your anger, you de-escalate your frustration while learning about the real issue – how you are not taking care of yourself in the face of whatever another is doing or in the face of a difficult situation.

Whenever anger comes up, you always have the choice to control or to learn.

 

An Expatriate's Journey Of Self-Discovery

An Expatriate's Journey Of Self-Discovery

Word Count:
558

Summary:
Expatriate years offer a wonderful time and opportunity to reinvent oneself. As an expatriate you want to hold onto those parts of you that you love and that work for you, no matter where you are. But while you trail around the world, you have the very good fortune to pick up new skills and/or explore hidden ones to add to the tapestry of your life.

Keywords:
expat, expatriate, life coaching

Article Body:
Expatriate years offer a wonderful time and opportunity to reinvent oneself. As an expatriate you want to hold onto those parts of you that you love and that work for you, no matter where you are. But while you trail around the world, you have the very good fortune to pick up new skills and/or explore hidden ones to add to the tapestry of your life.

Yes, it is true that as an expatriate you do miss your home, friends, family, and the sense of community and security you had before relocating abroad. Traditions that have been part of your life for so long have to take the backseat to new conventions and customs. The "norms" back home are not always quite that current in one's new host country.

In South Africa I am one of the crowd, in the USA I was the girl with the accent, in Israel I was considered naïve, in the UK I was mistaken for an "Aussie" and in Korea I, like many other foreigners get a small taste of what life must be like to live life as a celebrity - always get pointed or stared at just for having eyelids, having a western nose and for merely being a foreigner.

When I started my life as an expat I had no idea that I could be perceived so distinctly by different cultures. It also does not take you long to discover that the measures for acceptance back home are quite different elsewhere and so we get to reinvent ourselves. Depending on your outlook this could be an adventure and journey of a lifetime- discovering all the aspects of the whole person that you are.

Yes, expatriate life may be accompanied with many trials and tribulations, but it is not without an equal amount of plusses, happiness and living a life that is anything but ordinary.

You may want to use the time to take stock of who you are and who you want to be. Here are some questions to ask of yourself. Some of the questions may be ones you already know the answer to, others not.

    * How do people see me?
    * What image do I project?
    * Do I hide behind an unexceptionable persona to avoid unnerving others?
    * Do I walk away from the passions of my life to suit someone else's?
    * Do I dress to please others, save money or to fit into the crowd?
    * Have I wanted to go blonde, but am nervous of the criticism?
    * Am I fearful of looking too sexy?
    * Am I living in a style that is acceptable to me?

If you have reflected on these questions in the past, these are questions that are due to resurface while living abroad. There is no better opportunity to address them because it is a particular point in your life when you can leave the restrictions encouraged and accepted within your society behind.

In a nutshell your expatriate years could be your destiny. Put yourself first and not do not settle for anything less than your life has to offer.
Quote Of The Week

"After all these years, I am still involved in the process of self-discovery. It's better to explore life and make mistakes than to play it safe. Mistakes are part of the dues one pays for a full life." Sophia Loren

 

Always Think Positive, There Is Always Somebody Worse Off Than You

Always Think Positive, There Is Always Somebody Worse Off Than You

Word Count:
501

Summary:
This article is about learning to think positive. There are far too many people walking about in a state of gloom and depression. I have to admit that I was one of these people until I managed to turn my whole life around at the age of twenty-two by taking a different approach. I hope you find the article beneficial and enjoyable to read.

Keywords:
positive, thinking, mind, life, success, think positive, can't, stress, worry, stutter, speech impediment, health, problem

Article Body:
This article is about learning to think positive. There are far too many people walking about in a state of gloom and depression. I have to admit that I was one of these people until I managed to turn my whole life around at the age of twenty-two by taking a different approach. I hope you find the article beneficial and enjoyable to read.

From around the age of eleven when I started high school to the age of twenty-two I was not exactly a happy person. One person actually mentioned that I walked around like I had the weight of the world and its problems on my shoulders.

I was always looking at other people in my class for example and thought that they were so much luckier than I was. They did not seem to have half of the problems that I did. I was jealous of them as they were seemingly cruising through life where as it was one huge struggle for me.

You may be wondering what my troubles were. I had a stutter which had affected me from the age of four. Stuttering put a huge dent in my confidence and made me withdraw into my shell.
I had a weight problem which was mainly caused by comfort eating when I was depressed. Since birth, I have had a bald patch on my head, it is not a large area of baldness, however it was big enough for people to notice and mock me. I was always the shortest person in the class and for a male I am well below the average height at five-foot four.

At the age of eighteen, I was having a conversation with one of friends who is called John. John was one of the people I had always been jealous of for many different reasons. On this particular evening we were both fairly drunk and John had became quite emotional. During our conversation he told me that his father was an alcoholic and that at certain times when he arrived home worse for wear that he would hit his mom. He was very worried about this and was not sure what to do.

Over the next few years, I found out aspects of other people's lives in my circle of friends, which I had not been aware of. The issues I had were very visible, where as their problems had been hidden and kept secret.

I have become more and more interested in world affairs since the age of about twenty. Certain events from around the world have really shocked and I find it hard to imagine how I would cope living it various countries. I am now very grateful that I was born in the UK.

I have learnt that we all have problems and that in most cases there is always people worse off than ourselves. I now try to think in a much more positive way and am very happy with the cards I have been dealt.

 

Always Think Positive, There Is Always Somebody Worse Off Than You

Always Think Positive, There Is Always Somebody Worse Off Than You

Word Count:
501

Summary:
This article is about learning to think positive. There are far too many people walking about in a state of gloom and depression. I have to admit that I was one of these people until I managed to turn my whole life around at the age of twenty-two by taking a different approach. I hope you find the article beneficial and enjoyable to read.

Keywords:
positive, thinking, mind, life, success, think positive, can't, stress, worry, stutter, speech impediment, health, problem

Article Body:
This article is about learning to think positive. There are far too many people walking about in a state of gloom and depression. I have to admit that I was one of these people until I managed to turn my whole life around at the age of twenty-two by taking a different approach. I hope you find the article beneficial and enjoyable to read.

From around the age of eleven when I started high school to the age of twenty-two I was not exactly a happy person. One person actually mentioned that I walked around like I had the weight of the world and its problems on my shoulders.

I was always looking at other people in my class for example and thought that they were so much luckier than I was. They did not seem to have half of the problems that I did. I was jealous of them as they were seemingly cruising through life where as it was one huge struggle for me.

You may be wondering what my troubles were. I had a stutter which had affected me from the age of four. Stuttering put a huge dent in my confidence and made me withdraw into my shell.
I had a weight problem which was mainly caused by comfort eating when I was depressed. Since birth, I have had a bald patch on my head, it is not a large area of baldness, however it was big enough for people to notice and mock me. I was always the shortest person in the class and for a male I am well below the average height at five-foot four.

At the age of eighteen, I was having a conversation with one of friends who is called John. John was one of the people I had always been jealous of for many different reasons. On this particular evening we were both fairly drunk and John had became quite emotional. During our conversation he told me that his father was an alcoholic and that at certain times when he arrived home worse for wear that he would hit his mom. He was very worried about this and was not sure what to do.

Over the next few years, I found out aspects of other people's lives in my circle of friends, which I had not been aware of. The issues I had were very visible, where as their problems had been hidden and kept secret.

I have become more and more interested in world affairs since the age of about twenty. Certain events from around the world have really shocked and I find it hard to imagine how I would cope living it various countries. I am now very grateful that I was born in the UK.

I have learnt that we all have problems and that in most cases there is always people worse off than ourselves. I now try to think in a much more positive way and am very happy with the cards I have been dealt.

 

Addiction to Worry

Addiction to Worry

Word Count:
756

Summary:
Carole started counseling with me because she was depressed. She had been ill with chronic fatigue syndrome for a long time and believed her depression was due to this. In the course of our work together, she became aware that her depression was actually coming from her negative thinking - Carole was a constant worrier.

Keywords:
worry, stress, nerves, emotional disorder, depression

Article Body:
Carole started counseling with me because she was depressed. She had been ill with chronic fatigue syndrome for a long time and believed her depression was due to this. In the course of our work together, she became aware that her depression was actually coming from her negative thinking - Carole was a constant worrier. Many words out of her mouth centered around her concerns that something bad might happen. "What if I never get well?" "What if my husband gets sick?" "What if I run out of money?" (Carole and her husband ran a very successful business and there was no indication that it would not go on being successful). "What if my son gets into drugs?" "What if my kids don't get into good colleges?" "What if someone breaks into the house?"

Her worry was not only causing her depression, but was also contributing to her illness, if not actually causing it. Her worry caused so much stress in her body that her immune system could not do its job of keeping her well. Yet even the awareness that her worry was causing her depression and possibly even her illness did not stop Carole from worrying. She was addicted to it. She was unconsciously addicted to the sense of control that worry gave her.

I understood this well because I come from a long line of worriers. My grandmother's whole life was about worrying. She lived with us as I was growing up and I don't remember ever seeing her without a look of worry on her face. Same with my mother – constant worry. Of course, I picked up on it and also became a worrier. However, unlike my mother and grandmother, who worried daily until the day they died, I decided I didn't want to live that way. The turning point came for me the day my husband and I were going to the beach and I started to worry that the house would burn down and my children would die. I became so upset from the worry that we had to turn around and come home. I knew then that I had to do something about it.

As I started to examine the cause of worry, I realized that worriers believe that worry will stop bad things from happening. My mother worried her whole life and none of the bad things she worried about ever happened. She concluded that nothing bad happened because she worried! She really believed that she could control things with her worry. My father, however, never worried about anything, and nothing bad ever happened to him either. My mother believed that nothing bad happened to my father because of her worry! She really believed until the day she died (from heart problems that may have been due to her constant worry) that if she stopped worrying, everything would fall apart. My father is still alive at 92, even without her worrying about him!

It is not easy to stop worrying when you have been practicing worrying for most of your life. In order for me to stop worrying, I needed to recognize that the belief that worry has control over outcomes is a complete illusion. I needed to see that, not only is worry a waste of time, but that it can have grave negative consequences on health and well-being. Once I understood this, I was able to notice the stomach clenching that occurred whenever I worried and stop the thought that was causing the stress.

Carole is in the process of learning this. She sees that her worry makes her feel very anxious and depressed. She sees that when she doesn't worry, she is not nearly as fatigued as when she allows her addiction to worry to take over. She sees that when she stays in the moment rather than projecting into the future, she feels much better. The key for Carole in stopping worrying is in accepting that worry does not give her control.

Giving up the illusion of control that worry gives us not easy for anyone who worries. Yet there is an interesting paradox regarding worry. I have found that when I am in the present moment, I have a much better chance of making choices that support my highest good than when I'm stuck thinking about the future. Rather than giving us control, worry prevents us from being present enough to make loving choices for ourselves and others. Worrying actually ends up giving us less control rather than more!

 

Addiction to Blame

Addiction to Blame

Word Count:
824

Summary:
Allen consulted with me because his wife of 18 years had threatened to leave him if he didn't stop blaming her all the time. He admitted to frequently blaming her in a variety of situations. He blamed her if he thought she made a mistake, if he thought she was wrong about something, if he was feeling alone, or even if he had a bad day at work.

Keywords:
blame, relationship, communication, grudges, coaching

Article Body:
Allen consulted with me because his wife of 18 years had threatened to leave him if he didn't stop blaming her all the time. He admitted to frequently blaming her in a variety of situations. He blamed her if he thought she made a mistake, if he thought she was wrong about something, if he was feeling alone, or even if he had a bad day at work. He blamed her for asking him questions when he didn't know the answer. He would sometimes even blame her if his golf game was off. He always blamed her when he felt judged by her, or when he didn't get her approval. While he freely admitted that he blamed her, he couldn't seem to stop, and he had no idea why he blamed her.

As I explored various situations with Allen, it became apparent that he was not just blaming his wife. Allen was constantly blaming and judging himself. He would verbally beat himself up for mistakes, telling himself things like, "I'm such a jerk," and would often say very negative things to himself, such as, "Things will never get any better," or "I'm just a loser," or "I'm a big disappointment to myself." He would then feel angry and agitated as a result of abusing himself, but he never connected his anger with his self-judgment. Instead, he would dump his anger on his wife, or yell at other drivers on the freeway.

It became apparent to Allen that he would not be able to stop blaming his wife until he stopped blaming and judging himself. His addiction to blaming others was a direct result of his self-abuse.

The problem was that Allen had learned to be very self-indulgent regarding his thoughts. He let his thoughts run rampant, never stopping to discern whether or not what he was telling himself was the truth or was a lie. As a result, he was constantly allowing the wounded part of himself, his ego self, to be in charge. And this part of him was filled with all the lies he had learned in the 46 years of his life.

Allen was appalled when he realized that all his anger at others was really his anger at himself for abusing himself. He was projecting onto others what he was doing to himself. He saw that he was especially sensitive to others' judgment because he was so judgmental of himself.

As we explored why Allen was so self-abusive, he realized that he believed that if he judged himself enough, he could have control over getting himself to do it "right." He realized this wasn't true by an experience he had playing tennis.

"I played last Wednesday and I was in a really good mood. I was just playing for the fun of it, rather than to play well, and I played my best game ever! The very next day I played worse than I have for a long time. I realized that, having done so well on Wednesday, I now wanted control over doing as well on Thursday. As soon as I tried to control it, I lost it.

I want to stop doing this, but I've been doing it my while life. How do I stop?"

Stopping any addiction is always a challenge. Changing our thought process is especially challenging. However, there is a process available, but it will work only when you really want to change. Changing from being self-abusive to self-loving has to become more important to you than continuing to try to control yourself through your self-judgments.

1. Pay attention to your feelings. Learn to be aware of when you are feeling angry, anxious, hurt, scared, guilty, shamed, depressed, and so on.

2. Make a conscious decision to learn about what you are telling yourself that is causing your pain, rather than ignoring it, turning to substance or process addictions, or continuing to abuse yourself.

3. Ask yourself, "What am I telling myself that is causing me to feel badly?" Once you are aware of what you are telling yourself, ask yourself, "Am I certain that what I'm telling myself is the truth, or is it just something I've made up?" Then ask yourself, "What am I trying to control by telling myself this?"

4. Once you are aware that you are telling yourself a lie that is causing you to feel badly, and why you are telling it to yourself, ask the highest, wisest part of yourself, or ask an inner teacher or a spiritual source of guidance, "What is the truth?" When you sincerely want to know the truth, it will easily come to you.

5. Change your thinking, now telling yourself the truth.

6. Notice how you feel. Lies will always make you feel badly, while the truth brings inner peace. Any time you are not in peace, go through this process to discover what lie you are telling yourself. Eventually, with enough practice, you will be in truth and peace more and more of the time.

 

A Fear And Phobia Of The Future

A Fear And Phobia Of The Future

Word Count:
487

Summary:
My name is Steve Hill from England. In this article I am going to explain about how I have managed to turn my life around from one which was constantly living in fear, to one where I now look forward to the future. I hope this proves to be interesting and beneficial to anyone who reads it.

Keywords:
stress, worrying, fear, worries, strange, talks, anxiety, stressed, life, person, family, future

Article Body:
My name is Steve Hill from England. In this article I am going to explain about how I have managed to turn my life around from one which was constantly living in fear, to one where I now look forward to the future. I hope this proves to be interesting and beneficial to anyone who reads it.

I was always the type of person who would be constantly worrying about many different aspects of life and who was seemingly always stressed. I could not find a way to break through from this vicious cycle and at many a time I wondered whether it was worth living at all. I have to admit that on many occasions I have gone to bed hoping that I would die in my sleep and therefore would not wake up.

I am virtually sure that I am not the only one who lives life in this way. What I decided to do was to try to work out what exactly was causing my anxiety and stress.

It was about being honest with myself. There have been many a night where I have been unable to get to sleep all night, basically I had too many worries circling through my mind. This meant that I could not relax and therefore could not sleep.

By thinking clearly, I realised that I had a fear of the future. I am someone who talks to myself quite a lot, a bit strange I know. I would often be asking myself a number of questions:

What will happen if I lose my job?

How will I cope if my girlfriend leaves me?

I have a wedding to attend next week, what if I make a fool of myself in front of my friends and family?

I am going on holiday in three months time, how will I cope if there are any problems with the plane etc?

How am I going to afford to buy my first house?

How will I cope when my parents die?

These are just a few of many questions that I used to ask myself.

I decided to discuss the way I was living my life and my fears to my parents. They gave me some superb advice. They stated that life is too short to be constantly living in fear and that worrying only makes things worse. I basically had to try my best every day and that is all anybody could expect from me. They told me to think in a more positive way and to concentrate on all of the good things that I had in my life. There will no doubt be challenges ahead but you need to deal with them when they arise.

I have taken on board there advice even though it has not been easy. My life is now so much better and when a fear comes into my head I just bat it away.

13 Great Tips To Stamp Out Loneliness

13 Great Tips To Stamp Out Loneliness

Word Count:
1272

Summary:
This article views how you feel about yourself as contributing to feelings of loneliness and suggests ways of changing this position.

Keywords:
loneliness, optimism, laughter, exercise, optimism, thoughts, attitude,respsonsibility, change,achievement

Article Body:
What is LONELINESS? It is not about being on your own. Many people enjoy being on their own and would choose this for themselves for at lest part of the time. They enjoy having their own space. They do not feel the need to have other people around all of the time to validate them or make them feel more comfortable.
If someone experiences feelings of LONELINESS; it is usually not influenced solely by where they are or whether other people are around. It is possible to be in a room full of people and still feel very much ALONE. You can be part of a social gathering and feel LONELY as you are on the periphery and not fully involved with what is going on.

This suggests that LONELINESS is a state of mind. It is tied up with how you feel about yourself.When we have a low self esteem, we have a choice about whether to change this or not. The prospect of change can be daunting.The challenge of embracing this is however very worthwhile, with rewards not only in terms of how you feel bout yourself but also in the quality of your life.
The first task in changing our self esteem is to alter the way in which we view ourselves.

1.Instead of bombarding ourselves with an onslaught of negative comments, try to focus on the more positive aspects about yourself.This could include, PHYSICAL, PRACTICAL, PERSONAL, EMOTIONAL, ATTRIBUTES or things you are good at, PERSONAL ACHIEVEMENTS..

2.Try asking members of your family, colleagues, friends, how they would describe you. This may reveal a number of POSITIVE statements about you which are surprising and / or uplifting. (Note of caution, choose wisely!)

3.Write down POSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS about yourself (Please see article re POSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS.)

4.Pay more attention to your thoughts and feelings. When you are aware of these being critical, try challenging them or using THOUGHT STOPPING TECHNIQUES. (Please see article re THOUGHT STOPPING TECHNIQUES.)

5.Practise seeing yourself in particular situations when you feel CONFIDENT and good about who you are and the circumstances you are in. you are feeling comfortable. Feedback from others is POSITIVE. People are paying attention to you. You are maintaining good eye contact .Feed as much information into this exercise as possible. Pay attention to your body language and how you converse. Make sure you CHOOSE clothes to make the most of your physical attributes and feel CONFIDENT in them. Do you feel better wearing make up and perfume? (A question for the girls!) Remember how it feels to have a stronger sense of SELF WORTH, to get POSITIVE FEEDBACK from others   and from your own reaction.

6.You can proceed to use the lessons learnt from this exercise to go into the situation for real. You can enter it from a more CONFIDENT and less threatened stance.

7.Try not to leave a situation because of feelings of discomfort or anxiety.This will only increase your fear of a situation at a higher level and give yourself negative feedback.
This can be difficult to do.
It may be helpful to remember that if you suffer from any symptoms of anxiety these are only an exaggerated form of how we all feel from time to time.They cause discomfort but are not life threatening. Placed in a difficult situation, your symptoms any increase but it will reach a peak and come down again. Try not to be afraid of this feeling and run away from the situation. If you need to, use BREATHING exercises to take control of the situation. (Please see article re BREATHING RETRAINING TECHNIQUES.)If you manage your situation effectively in this way, you will get POSITIVE feedback from the experience resulting in you being less fearful in the future.
Alternatively, PLAN ahead.
Think of what would make you feel more comfortable by REHEARSING the situation in your head.This may alert you to any possible difficulties. It is then your task to generate ways of overcoming these difficulties.
It can be useful to decide beforehand that you are only going to stay somewhere for an hour. Giving yourself a time limit may make it easier for you to relax and stay in a situation .Even if you are enjoying yourself, it still makes sense to leave at the time you promised yourself and when things are going well. This will ensure you achieve POSITIVE feedback.

8.Remember how you felt when you last heard a friend say something POSITIVE about you or when they did something which made you feel appreciated and liked.
Spend less time concentrating on negative thoughts about you. Instead be more focussed on others.
Do or say things to others which will make them feel good. You will in turn get POSITIVE feedback from this boosting your SELF ESTEEM.
Try bringing in your neighbours wheelie bin, buying someone flowers, pay someone a compliment, invite someone to lunch, simply say thank you more often!

9.Put more FUN into your life.eg.
Share a joke .Try recalling something which has made you LAUGH heartily.Watch a good comedy. Get out some old photographs. It is even better if you can share the experience with a friend. Share the LAUGHTER!

10.Get involved in some type of activity which will raise your CONFIDENCE. People often resist the suggestion to attend a confidence building class. There  is a place for them but it is perhaps not the best or the healthiest option, to put people together with others who have the same difficulty.
Instead, try one of the following:

Join a drama, music, art, singing or art class, take up a contact sport, challenge yourself by commencing, rock climbing, canoeing, diving, etc.

You will benefit from having set yourself a GOAL or CHALLENGE and by the opportunity to express yourself in a different way.
You will definitely have something new and interesting to talk about.

If you have a family, you may choose an ACTIVITY which you can do together such as cycling.Dance has the added benefit of being good FUN and brings you into contact with other people. SKIPPING can help increase bone density so is great for all of us over 40.Beware you are more likely to do this on your own. You could however go for a really nice walk somewhere and have your ropes in your pocket.
      
If you find it difficult to fit EXERCISE into your day:
Try WALKING instead of using transport .If you must drive, park a little way from your place of work. If you take a bus, get off a few stops from where you  need to. Use stairs not the lift.
If you have a sedentary job, make a point of getting out of your chair regularly and take a WALK in the building.Have a brisk twenty minute WALK at lunch time. Try to get others ROPED in  too!

This will offer opportunity to make a new group of friends.You will have a new shared interest and a sense of camaraderie. You may need to trust and be trusted by others.You will have the opportunity to give  and receive POSITIVE feedback and have
FUN!!!

11.Exercise is useful in enhancing SELF ESTEEM and will also benefit you by lowering your state of arousal. This means that more stress will be required for you to be affected by it. Increased muscle tone can help you feel more confident with how you look. Pick an exercise to meet your specific needs.
    
12.Stop comparing yourself with others. You will only come out of this disfavourably.

13.Stop judging others. More importantly-Stop judging yourself!